Rules of the Road:  A Girl’s Guide to Traveling Off-Road

By Mallori Cain

This list has been compiled over years of riding off-road.  This is by no means a complete list, but it does give you the most important tips any experienced female rider could give to a new jeep chick.  My intention is to help those who have not had the pleasure of riding, and hopefully amuse those who have been off the pavement.  (Some of you will be able to bring up special events in our history that lead to these tips.)

1. Don’t ever be in a hurry.  You aren’t going to be on time. So just forget it.
2. Don’t ask how long it is going to take to get out of something.  You won’t like the answer and the real time will be even longer than they estimate.
3. Boys will be boys.  If they are facing away from you, don’t walk around to their front.  They are probably relieving themselves.
4. The jeep will break.  Expect it to happen like you expect to spend money in a store.
5. Jeep owners love to talk about muffler bearings.  Muffler bearings are a joke.  They don’t exist. Owners like to see if you are experienced or not.  If you don’t know what you are talking about, don’t say anything at all. 
6. When you enter the woods, don’t expect to come out clean.  It ain’t happenin’.
7. When a Jeep rolls, it is bad.  Check on the people first, then get the Jeep back over as fast and safe as possible.  This usually means staying way out of the way while the driver and experienced others roll it back over.
8. Winches are good.  You will need one. Either that or you need a really good friend with a winch to pull you out.
9. Jeep owners are very protective of their vehicles.  Don’t expect them to let you drive.  They don’t really like to share very often.
10. When in a Jeep, saying “no” to a dare is sometimes a good thing.  Especially where vertical surfaces or mud is concerned.
11. The tie rod holds the wheels straight in the front.  If it breaks, don’t expect to go anywhere.  If it is bent, don’t expect to go anywhere fast.  If it is bent and then straightened, don’t expect to go anywhere safely.
12. U-joints break a lot.  Make sure there are some spares on the trail.
13. The more alcohol you have in your system, the easier the trail looks and the harder it is.  Don’t drink and drive.
14. Vehicle body damage is inevitable.  It hurts the most the first time and then gets easier to handle from there.
15. Jeep Speedometers are not accurate with big tires.  The bigger the tires, the more inaccurate the gauges are.
16. Mud is good.  The more there is the better protected the paint is underneath.  Owners also view mud as a badge of honor.  It is proof you drive it off-road.
17. Trust your seatbelt.  It will save you if you use it.  Always wear it.
18. There is no shame in getting out to watch a driver from firm ground when you get nervous.  Just say so before they start up the hill instead of halfway through.
19. Stay away from winch cables, if they break they can go through the vehicle, the trees, or you.  Be safe and stand behind something solid out of the line that the winch is pulling in.
20. If you are watching another vehicle, be far enough away to stay out of its way.  If it is going up something, it is safest to watch from the top.  The vehicle can’t roll uphill.
21. Enjoy the company on the trail.  Be nice to them and they are generally nice to you.  Trail etiquette is to always wave when passing another vehicle.  Waving is a good way to make a new friend.  They may be the ones to bail you out the next day.

 

This section of the list is about packing.  Being prepared is essential.  I’ve learned most of these tips the hard way.  I hope these tips make it easier for you.

22. Always carry toilet paper.  Even if there are guaranteed bathrooms, there’s a chance you won’t be at one when you need it.  If you happen to be at the bathroom at the right time, there still may not be toilet paper.
23. Always carry an emergency stash of your own food.  Crackers, M&M’s, and a Gatorade work well.
24. Always have an extra pair of socks and shoes.  You may need them.
25. This activity requires no make-up.  You will find dirt a great concealer on the trail.
26. Carry an insulating layer and a rain/wind shell.  Note: If it isn’t Gore-tex, it won’t keep water out and still be comfortable.
27. Carry any and all medications you could even remotely possibly need.  The body takes a beating as much as the Jeep.
28. Carry a flashlight.  Even if it is a little day time run.  Light is always beneficial when making a trail repair in a tight spot.  In the worst case scenario you will need it when the sun goes down and you’re still stuck somewhere.
29. Pack everything in bins and cases.  Don’t leave anything sitting in the back seat.  You won’t be able to find it half a mile later when you need it.  It will have been jolted and rocked into the deepest darkest corner of the Jeep.  You may not find it until you don’t want or need it again. When you do, it might be broken.
30. Carry water.  Lots of water. You may need it for the radiator too.
31. Always have gloves.  Mechanic’s gloves seem to be the most popular.  I just have cheap, black gloves from Walmart that are bleachable.
32. Don’t wear anything you care a lot about.  Eventually you will ruin it.
33. Pack lots of extra trash bags.  You will find them very useful for muddy boots, wet clothes, broken glass, and of course trash.
34. Bring lots and lots of towels and rags.  Don’t, however, bring anything you want to ever be clean again.
35. If you are tent camping, water proof your tent before you go.  There are spray can products and seam sealers for this.  These products don’t make a tent water proof, but they still help a lot.

 

Last but most important:

36. There is a good side to off-roading, sometimes on bad days it just takes a while to find.
37. The reward of off-roading is that you get to see places no one else can get to.  You have not only been there, but you rode there in a vehicle.  It can beat hiking there.
38. Have fun, play games, enjoy the scenery… that’s why you are out there.